| Dave Wrong and the Curious Gathering of Friends |
[Jun. 8th, 2008|07:41 pm] |
Obligatory shout-out: Evan McCoy recently turned the age of twenty two. Friends and well-wishers gathered on Saturday night (as well as the previous Tuesday, his quote-un-quote actual birthday) to celebrate a night of drunken debauchery and ne'er'do'wellin'. Much drinking and carousing, though, curiously absent was Matt Slind and his entourage. I mean, busty entourage. haha.
I discussed at length today the details of last night's outing, so, as to not place myself in a contradicting position, this post will entail the official last word on the events that transpired. Those of faint of heart, let this be a final warning because what you will hear next will chill the warmest hearts and moisten the driest crevices.
It's funny. Funny how something that has happened twiiiiccceee in succession can automatically become 'tradition'. For this is what Evan has considered his obligatory birthday celebration, more specifically, certain details have now become 'tradition'. For example, Evan thinks that it is tradition that I invite bodies to my apartment, drink, and then parade around Broadway in a drunken stupor. The last two years/summers have become epic, almost legendary in their own right. Unfortunately, Tony has been absent both occasions, but, gripping my forty (or equivalent) in hand, he is almost there in spirit if not in body.
Anyways, never one to disappoint (haha), I hastily threw together components (each on their own, quite ridiculous anyways) into one SUPER ridiculous concoction. The players included: Evan the boy wonder, Cat and her cock-on-a-leash Kenton, my signig other Rhiannon 'the Rhino' Rhino, Tim and his beautiful entourage Mark and pretty boy James aka Jimbo, Patrick the Starfish, Christian..., and of course, our favorite 30year-old-metis-in-residence Curtis. Oh, and obviously Cheap was there. haha
I don't have the time, nor the tenacity, or even the diligence to cover EVERY detail in..uh, detail, but allow me to highlight the night's events in point form. Let's begin with part one: Dave's Apartment.
Part One: Dave's Apartment
-Me and Rhino each bought a twenty six between the walk home from work Saturday afternoon. I poured myself a healthy drink at around five thirtyish. At this point it is important to note that I had fixed myself a TASTY leftover kentucky fried chicken sammich. (prepared with the obligatory delicious Hellman's mayonnaise, spread with love).
-Evan and crew come over and then immediately leave to the liqour store, around ohhhh eight thirty. Tim purchases and subsequently enjoys an entire 1.5 litre bottle of Baby Duck wine. This will play an important role in the next few hours, as he of course gets to 're-enjoy' the consumed Baby Duck. His friends are lovable dorks and while they are away, me Rhino and Cat stay back to play a short drinking game, one that involves me losing and getting super fucking drunk.
-It's not even ten oclock yet, but I am so drunk that I:
...stumble to Seven Eleven, eat a corndog that kenton pays for, soaked in mustard and ketchup, that i dont even recall eating. however, I do leave proof on my shirt, as I'm wearing a fifty dollar shirt and fifty dollar tie that now has mustard stains.
...fall down with half a dress shirt on as I change out of my mustardy clothes. Rhiannon has to help me button it up.
...spill my beer all over the table, which has my ipod on it. With the kindness of my houseguests, disaster was averted and my ipod still works.
...fall over in my hallway, in turn destroying my hallway closet door.
...don't remember any of this at all.
-What is this? My birthday? I failed to mention that it was also 'tradition' that I be the drunkest on Evan's birthday.
Around ten oclock, against my will, the crew minus Patrick and Christian, head over to Broadway to ruin drinking establishments with our iron wills. Thus, I introduce you to the second part
Part Two: Broadway or
Evan McCoy and the Search for Pussy
-First stop was the Yard and Flagon. I'm not sure what was going on, as my memory is really really fuzzy at this moment. I think everyone was inside trying to get a seat (it was super busy up in therr) and me Cat and Rhiannon leave for Lydia's
-Lydias was host to Dr.J, a local DJ that (I think) Christian raves about. (haha, there's a pun in there). It was super dead in there, think the opposite of the Yard. Rhiannon graciously pays our covers, which we will soon learn is fifteen dollars wasted. Evan and Co. find us and Evan is really really drunk and acting super outrageously upset at us for both leaving the others (although, to be fair, Rhiannon said she told at least three people where we were heading) and then making him come to Lyds where it was dry as a vagina. This will be foreshadowing for the rest of the evening.
-As some of us were waiting outside, Tim came outta Lyd's, walked down the stairs. When I went to pat him on the back, he, as if on cue, immediately threw up all the Baby Duck that he had spent so much effort consuming. It was a horrible horrible waterfall of digestive juices and cheap wine. For good measure he threw up once more before we left for our third destination...
-Next destination, the Hose and Hydrant, which if you've never been can be adequately described as 'three floors of sweaty throbbing throngs of chotches and their counterpart, the ho-bags'. Seriously, it was fucking tight up in therr, as it was barely eleven oclock and crowds were forming outside. Anyways,
-we dance (we being me, Rhiannon, Cat, Kenton, and Evan) like such huge retards that one of the staff came up to us and was like "you guys are gonna have to tone it down or we're gonna have to ask you to leave" hahah. Like, me using the word 'dancing' to describe what we were doing is me being very generous. In actuality, we looked like giant retards, hopping up and down to music that only existed for us. Highlights of this highlight include:
...Evan trying, unsuccessfully, to dance with bitches, in hopes of possible grinding and/or groping. The bitches were fucking stone cold receptive and dashed Evan's little boat of unbridled libido against the rocks of cold hard ...non-sex. Kenton would throw Evan into seas of women, but to no avail, as they were rubber and he was glue. Even the Rhino tried to help him reach the golden plateau by 'faux dancing' with girls. Alas.
...they played a techno remix of 'Jump Around' by House of Pain. Of course we all jump, jump, jump, jump, jumped.
...by the end we were all sweaty meatsacks. Rhiannon's hair looked ridiculous. There was a car parked in front of the Hose and we all sorta sprawled against it, leeching it's coolness into our sweaty sweaty bodies.
...Evan was fed shots and shots from Tim and his two friends. This made him really horny and he was becoming a little upset that he had not touched a breast yet.
...Outside we all leaned against this little picket fence that was across the street. Everyone had their head down and it was like "Man, I'm gonna puke. I'm so close to puking. If someone else pukes, I'm sooo gonna puke too." haha. That about sums up the conversation.
-We stumbled back to Lydia's, where it was actually pretty awesome and full by this point in the night. I went in, but no one else really wanted to come in, even though we had each paid five dollars for cover. Kenton was making out with Cat outside and like, I sat next to this blobbish woman on a bench who was yelling at them (because they were making out and obviously no one wanted to make out with pudding monster). I was yelling with her, too, because I was super drunk. haha.
-Some drunk kid yelled at Curtis, something to the effect of '...get this colored guy the fuck outta here'. And when Curtis turned around, the kid SPIT on him. ...
Cheap was upset, I was reeling from what happened, and Curtis kinda turned around and started walking away. Cheap stood there, really intense like, and the kid THREW HIS BEER AT CHEAP. It kinda glanced offa cheaps chest and sprayed the ground beneath them. Hmm, like, eventually, after a really tense few minutes, onlookers convinced both partys to just 'walk away, man, everyones just drunk'.
"Fuck. If that fucker spit on me, I woulda fucking knocked him out." - Cheap, showing more emotion than I've seen from him in a long time
-I bought a delicious slurpee, that was blue, raspberry, and limeish on top. Tim and Co. were heading to Bud's but the rest of hte party retired to my house, leading to
Part three: Dave's Apartment (Again), the Ruining
-Evan demanded sustenance, in the form of pizza. Eventually, Cheap acquiesced and purchased two XLs from TJ's pizza. Apparently, Evan was the one who did the ordering over the phone and he just asked for 'two pizzas', and then they gave us two XLs. Like, no one was really hungry cept for those two, so it was kinda funny. I didn't even get a piece. (in more ways than one). Sigh.
-Evan crawled to the bathroom before the pizza arrived. I peeked in there a few minutes later, and he was laying on a towel, on the floor in front of the toilet. haha.
-Kat and Kenton (aka, KnK Wrecking Krew) went home, Cheap took his awesome self home as well, Evan was left to the bathroom, and Curtis to his own devices. Me and Rhiannon passed out in my bed fully dressed
-The walk back to my place, Evan was so outraged that he was going home pussy'less, that he was (allegedly) kicking hard surfaces, kicking and punching cars in our parking lot, and swearing 'Fuck, this is the worst night ever'. Some dude on a balcony in our apartment complex told Evan to relax or whatever, to which Evan duly replied, 'Fuck you! I'm gonna come up there and FUCKING KILL YOU!'
*I say allegedly because this is scene recollected by Kenton and Cat, since me and Rhiannon were still on Broadway until maybe twenty minutes later
Well. Upon waking this morning, at eight ay em, Evan was quizzed 'how was your night' and he was reported as responding 'it was alright'. So, there you have it, the man had an alright birthday, one that I would have to agree, yes I do.
I've been typing for almost an hour now.
Whew. This is all I can/will say about the ridiculous that is Evan McCoy's Birthday Bash, or, more appropriately titled 'Party Boy and the Quest for the Elusive Drunken Pink Clammis' (Shit! That just gave me an awseome nickname for Matt's girlfriend, Cammi = "Clammi" hahahah)
Speaking of Matt, I will end this post with a sorta funny, sorta sad, sorta wtf story. Okay, so first, I get a call from Matt in the afternoon where he was like, 'wtf, dave. How come Evan invited you and your girlfriend, but me and Cammi (my girlfriend) can't both come? Why do you get to bring Rhiannon???' I was like, man, who cares, you're both invited since it's my house. Of course, Matt doesn't show up and then I get a stupid facebook message teh next day from teh guy, saying somethign to the effect of: you called my girlfriend stupid, watch what you say. But he ended it with, and I quote "I'm 26 years old, not 22. Remember that next time." What the hell did he mean by this? Rhiannon thinks it's him telling me that he's more mature than me, but then I thought, maybe this is a threat? I dunno.
So, to sum it up, Matt is being a weirdo, simply because he wasn't so fucking defensive when he was single. And like, I have nothing against him or his girlfriend, it was just awkward the first time we all met because he was saying weird shit (as usual) and it was drawn out, quiet, and conversationally fucking awkward. Matt, if you're reading this, just relax man. I'm kidding.
(oh, and 'Im not 22'? Your girlfriend is twenty, what the fuck are you implying, even?) |
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